The Uxbridge English Dictionary creates hilarious new definitions for all those English words that don't mean what they should. Here are some of our favourites:
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Gelatine: Device for cutting the heads off jelly babies
Crucifix: Religious adhesive
Vanish: Rather like a van
Idiomatic: Foolproof dishwasher
Bidet: Two days before D-Day
Claptrap: A condom
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Asterisk: The chances of being hit by an asteroid
Descent: To remove the smell
Hobnob: A cooking accident
Easily: Like an easel
Floral: Foreplay on the carpet
Pastiche: What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall
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Push: Sean Connery's cat
Farcical: A bike that makes you look stupid
Expensive: Formally thoughtful
Hamas: What Geordies use to bang nails in
Caustic: Good heavens, a stick!
Doodah: A cool pirate
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Bazaar: Barry the Pirate
Jigsaw: How you feel after Irish dancing
Unfettered: Without Greek cheese
Lamb shank: Sean Connery's sheep has drowned
Macaroon: To leave a Scotsman on a desert island
Monkey: Like a monk
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Kindle: A book that burns itself
Yodelling: A trainee Jedi knight
Eyeliner: A big ship made by Apple
Ladder: Like a lad, but even more so
Alcopops: Alcoholic Dads
X-ray: Former fish
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Warehouse: A person who turns into a house on a full moon
Norway: A surprised Geordie
For more, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue: The Best of Forty Years is out now from Windmill Books.
Listen to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue here.
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33 Everyday Words With Hilariously Punny Double Meanings