Forty-nine tragic new additions to the beloved children’s series. Sorry, Enid Blyton.
Hodder
1. Five laugh at Dick after he drops his brand new Samsung Galaxy down the toilet.
2. Five think about going to the countryside, then cancel when they remember there's limited 3G.
3. Five egg the local pensioners' home.
4. Five spend the entire afternoon sharing cat memes on WhatsApp.
5. Five find their teacher's Facebook profile, print out pictures of them on holiday, and tape them up around the school.
6. Five watch fail compilations on YouTube for six straight hours.
7. Five get into a fix (with their parents, after one of them downloads every Game of Thrones episode and goes £76 over the monthly broadband usage allowance in a single day).
8. Five draw penises on the dirty windows of parked cars.
9. Five steal a shopping trolley from Sainsbury's and ride it down a hill.
10. Five get very badly injured.
11. Five repeatedly set off the school fire alarm.
12. Five get suspended for downloading porn on to a friend's school computer and setting it as the desktop background.
13. Five play Minecraft for three full days.
14. Five find a dead pigeon outside Lidl and poke it with a stick.
15. Five spend 16 hours queuing for the new iPhone.
16. Five desperately compete to be the first to 1,000 Instagram followers.
17. Five go for lunch at Pizza Express, then spend 80% of the meal on Facebook.
18. Five set off fireworks in a public toilet.
19. Five yell abuse at a homeless man.
20. Five run away together, get as far as Swindon, and then immediately decide to come home.
21. Five get horrendously plastered on Lambrini.
22. Five try putting random objects in the microwave.
23. Five set fire to an abandoned car.
24. Five get into trouble (with the law, after firing an air rifle at a cat).
25. Five raid their parents' alcohol cabinet.
26. Five get drunk on Halloween and throw toilet paper at an old man.
27. Five send inappropriate Snapchats to each other.
28. Five attempt to revise for their GCSEs together.
29. Five get distracted by GTA 5.
30. Five drink 12 cans of Red Bull the night before an exam while desperately trying to learn everything on the syllabus, all in the faint hope of scraping a C grade.
31. Five burn down a tent at Reading Festival.
32. Five get part-time summer jobs at WHSmith.
33. Five become addicted to Tumblr.
34. Five spend a whole day arguing about the colour of someone's dress.
35. Five go down to the sea, go skinny-dipping, and get shouted at by the coastguard.
36. Five spend their sixth-form study sessions playing poker for money.
37. Five eventually pass their driving tests.
38. Five crash a Ford Fiesta into a ditch.
39. Five experience the horrible, dawning realisation that they've nearly finished school and have no idea what they're going to do with their lives.
40. Five worry about tuition fees.
41. Five get stuck on their UCAS applications.
42. Five struggle to choose between media studies at the University of Bournemouth and sports science at Loughborough.
43. Five deeply regret not dropping physics after AS-level.
44. Five miss out on their predicted grades, spend results day crying in a corner of the school's gymnasium, then celebrate when they just manage to scrape into uni through clearing.
45. Five get drunk every night of the week during Freshers'.
46. Five discover Ring of Fire.
47. Five have to be taken to hospital after drinking 16 consecutive Jägerbombs and falling down a flight of steps outside the union.
48. Five experiment with various illegal substances.
49. Five are together again (a year after they finish sixth form, at which point they realise they no longer have anything in common and that they're steadily, irrevocably drifting apart, and that childhood friendship is ultimately just a shiny doomed veneer that shatters into a million hopeless pieces at the start of adulthood).
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