A short story of a woman whose Tinder date turns into a full-on Minion orgy. [NSFW obvs.]
Dan Meth / BuzzFeed
Katie stood at the supervillain's door, checking her reflection in the window. With her dark lipstick and purple eyeshadow exaggerating her best features, she felt like a sexy cartoon character. After a final adjustment of her ink-black hair, she knocked.
Felatious Gru was immediately recognizable. The world's greatest villain, all the television networks called him. He looked a lot shorter in person.
"Katie! It is a pleasure," he said in a nonspecific eastern European accent. "I could not resist when your lovely profile repeatedly came up on my Tinder application."
"And how could I resist a swipe right from the world's greatest villain?" said Katie.
Gru's pale cheeks turned pink. From between them stuck a long, pointed nose. His beady eyes were topped with bushy eyebrows, which were the only hairs on an ovoid head that looked like it had been stomped on. His stick legs angled up to a lumpy torso, like somebody had filled a black sock with cottage cheese then swung it around until it bunched in one end. Not exactly a dad bod on this one.
"You do flatter me," said Gru as he led her inside. They entered a luxurious dining room lined with the mounted heads of extinct animals. An expensive-looking meal waited on the table.
"I thought we could eat before … getting down to business," said Gru.
"Oh mister Gru, a real date? You're so old fashioned."
They made small talk as Katie picked at her meal. Honestly, this supervillain was super disappointing. He droned on about his cold mother and troubled childhood and precious feelings. Yawn.
"I hear you stole the Golden Gate Bridge," she said, interrupting him in hopes of drifting to something fun.
Something brushed her leg underneath the table.
"Yes! I was driving across, and thought, lightbulb! I can use my bubble cannon to encase the bridge in a giant sphere, then float it to my secret lair. Real shame that everyone on it slowly suffocated to death."
Something rubbery caressed Katie's ankle. Did he have a cat? Stifled giggling floated from under the table. She gasped when she looked down and spotted an eye staring from the darkness.
Mistaking her gasp as a reaction to him, Gru continued: "Come now, you know who I am. Women, they date me for my money, but have no interest in accepting the real me. Just like my mother."
It took everything Katie had to keep herself from ducking under the table to see what was crawling around down there, having way more fun than she was.
Instead, she flashed him an animated smile. "I know who you are. You can trust me." She reached across the table and patted his hand. His face relaxed, but turned to annoyance as his phone rang.
He took the phone to the next room, but she could still hear every word.
"I'm a bit busy, can you … what? Pharrell who? Pharrell Williams?"
The table cloth billowed, and a creature hopped onto Katie's lap. He looked like a two-foot-high yellow pill with stubby appendages, wearing blue overalls and, over a single eye, goggles. Er, a goggle.
He was one of Gru's famous minions. She'd seen them on the news. The screaming cornpops who are tearing apart society, the headlines not-so-kindly called them.
"Not the unicorn again," grumbled Gru into the phone in the other room.
The minion produced a flower from the back of his overalls and handed it to Katie. She took it, smiling as the robotic flower's petals spun around, then patted his head. He purred.
Katie held a finger to her lips. "Shhh, your master doesn't want you here."
Gru hung up. Before he could return and catch the minion, she shoved him back under the table.
"So sorry, so sorry," said Gru. "It's Pharrell Williams again. He's riding a unicorn that is so fluffy that those who look at it die immediately. Too much fluff, you see."
"Mmm hmm," said Katie. Her skirt had ridden up, and she felt the minion's breath against her thighs.
Gru's face twisted with jealousy. "Pharrell sings catchy songs to attract crowds. He's wearing his giant hat, so people see the hat, and they say damn, that's a big hat! By the time they notice the unicorn, it's too late. They're dead from fluff. It's the perfect supervillain plot."
"You're not going to let him upstage you," said Katie, trying to keep her composure, but she couldn't help guiding the minion toward her moistening love muffin. She could tell from the smacking of his lips that he wanted to get closer.
"No, of course not! Sorry, but I must go defend my title."
Katie feigned disappointment, which was difficult to pull off with the minion's floppy tongue exploring her pleasure taco. "Too bad," she said. "We were just getting started."
Gru edged toward the door as Katie remained sitting. He grabbed a few gadgets and his striped scarf. "Maybe … maybe you could stay here and wait, so we can continue our date later?"
"Oh!" shouted Katie as the minion hit her sweet spot. In truth. the date was horrible. This dude was a murderer, and also, hadn't asked her a single question about herself. But she wanted—no, needed—to stick around and find out more about these minions. "Oh yes! Sounds like a plan." Gru dashed away.
Dan Meth / BuzzFeed
Finally! She pulled back her chair to get a better look at the minion who was so skillfully eating her out.
"Bapple!" the minion said. Its goggle was smeared with her pulpy love juice.
"You think I taste like apples? How sweet of you."
A grate in the ceiling flipped open, and two more minions tumbled into the room. These ones had two eyes, and one of them was short and squat, while the other was taller, like a yellow cocktail sausage.
The tall one smacked the one-eyed one. "Jort! Malo!" he said.
The pussy-eater, whose name was apparently Jort, fell over. He and the tall one got into a slap-fight, rolling on the floor like a fucked up yellow tumbleweed. When the they were done, the three of them stood there with their dumb, gaping faces.
"Sooo," she said. "What's the deal with you guys?"
"Blab!" said Jort.
"A lab? Can you show me?" asked Katie.
Their faces lit up. They got behind her and pushed her toward one of the room's many doors. The feeling of their six little gloved hands shoving at her butt tickled her in a strange way.
She was ushered into an elevator, which took them to an expansive underground laboratory. Dozens of minions worked at various tables full of sizzling beakers and dismantled electronics. Sparks and explosions lit the air, and it smelled like greasy ozone. Aerial drones whizzed overhead. They continued pushing her on until they reached a featureless yellow surface in one corner of the room.
Katie bit her lip. "Look, guys, this lab is cool and all, but I'll level with you. I was all horned up for a Tinder date, and your boss is lame. You gonna show me your dicks or what?"
The three of them laughed. The tall one punched the short one in the face and said "Norge! Butt!"
Norge held up a panel with a single red button. He giggled maniacally. "Butt!" he shouted, then pressed it.
A panel in the floor opened and a heart-shaped bed popped out of it. The lights dimmed and a disco ball started turning. Alcoves opened in the walls, each full of phallic gadgets.
"Whoa, you guys are way ahead of me! You have your own sex dungeon! Rad."
The minions giggled. Jort pointed at the back of Katie's skirt. "Butt!" he said.
"You want me to go first? You horny little fuckers!" said Katie. She slipped her panties off, then crawled onto the bed. The minions fell silent as they stared at her with their vacant eyes.
She raised her ass in the air, then flipped up the back of her skirt, giving them a peek at her glistening pussy and bare ass.
The minions burst out in laughter again. "Butt!" they all said in unison, which made them laugh harder.
It was infectious. Katie flipped over and caught her breath after a fit of giggles. "Get over here you fucking idiots!" They obediently hopped onto the bed. "I've seen what your mouths can do. Now get to work, minions."
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