Saturday, April 4, 2015

59 Magical Places To Hide The Afikoman At Hogwarts

Accio Matzoh!


1. Inside the room of requirement.

2. In the sorting hat.

3. In the Chamber of Secrets.

4. In the fireplace inside Hagrid's cabin.

5. With Aragog's colony.

6. In the sleeves of Ron's R sweater.

7. Mixed in with the leaves in a Divination tea cup.

8. In the vanishing cabinet in the room of requirement.

9. In Luna's lost sneakers.

10. In the staircase to the Gryffindor girls' dorm.

11. At the top of the Owlery rafters.

12. Taped behind Moaning Myrtle's toilet.

13. In the entrance to one of the passageways from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade.

14. In a different passageway from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade, moved while people are looking.

15. On a moving staircase as it's moving.



Warner Bros. / Via mugglenet.tumblr.com


16. As a constellation in the great hall ceiling.

17. Under the seat cushions on teacher's platform in the Great Hall.

18. Under a mandrake pot.

19. Anywhere in the Ravenclaw tower.

20. Under the cushion to one of the armchairs in the Hufflepuff common room.

21. In the potions closet.

22. Under the trapdoor when Fluffy isn't looking.

23. Behind one of Umbridge's framed proclamations.

24. Mixed in with the trophies in the trophy closet, since the Afikomen is the ultimate trophy.

25. Between the towels in the Prefects' bathroom. Safety against crumbling!

26. Tied to Mrs. Norris' collar (if she lets you get that close).

27. In front of the lens of a telescope in the Astronomy tower, so you can only see it when you look through the eyepiece.

28. In the dungeon cupboard (if Hagrid could stash a baby Aragog there, surely you can hide some matzoh).

29. Between pages 394 and 395 in your textbook.



Warner Bros. / Via i.imgur.com




View Entire List ›


Friday, April 3, 2015

Self-Portrait Of The Artist As Ungrateful Black Writer

No, I’m not happy to “just be here.” Racism doesn’t vanish the moment we set foot into the ivory towers and glittering soirees of the literati.



Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed


The November weekend after author Daniel Handler made a watermelon joke onstage at the National Book Awards, I got lost in the literal dark in Miami. "The party is just that way," a handsome valet had assured me just moments before. He pointed to a path along the side of the Standard Hotel that promised to take me to the kind of exclusive literary party I once dreamed of attending, but never thought I would actually be invited to.


I didn't realize how tightly I was clutching the invitation until my sweat started to warp its cardstock. There were so many large, waxy plants in the way while I stumbled along the path that I didn't sense the tall black man walking just footsteps behind me until we nearly bumped into one another. Questlove walked with his head down, slightly stooped, the posture one adopts after years of being greeted with wide eyes and nervous smiles.


Unsure of what exactly I could or should say to him in such a moment, I offered a smile I'm not even sure he could see and then I stuttered something about the image of two black men stumbling through the dark in Florida, of all places. He smiled, or I think he smiled. A grand jury was expected to issue a decision regarding Darren Wilson at any moment. My body felt like it was in two different Americas at once. And then we were at the waterside party. My awkward comment fizzled in the shadowed flora we left behind.


Questlove drifted off into the crowd of writers, editors, and agents. I shoved the mangled invitation in my pocket and grabbed a flute of champagne from a passing waiter. Small lights were strung overhead like borrowed stars, music drifted out over the water then sashayed back toward the partygoers. I was overcome just then by the sense that perhaps I had finally made it — not just to a party but The Party itself. Then, for a moment that threatened to stretch beyond the boundaries of reasonable time, I couldn't spot a single familiar face.


I'm black, gay, and 29 years old. I had just published my first book of poetry. In retrospect, standing there with champagne in hand, I wish I'd felt proud rather than grateful — intensely, almost exhaustingly grateful to just be there. It's the kind of gratitude that, I suspect, is very familiar to those whom our culture has a habit of reminding they should be happy "to just be here." Finally, after making eye contact with a colleague, we waded through the crowd toward one another. I passed a National Book Award winner talking to an author who'd recently gotten a six-figure book deal.


By the time my colleague and I managed to meet in the middle of the crowd, a poet from New York whom I hadn't seen in months made his way toward me as well. His smile calmed me down. I'm not alone anymore, I thought. And if I'm not alone, I'm not invisible.


"You've grown out your hair," the poet said, the ice in his cocktail catching light. "Now I'm going to do that racist thing where I touch your hair," he said as he reached for my afro. His fingers tested the texture of my hair, the way you might squeeze a bath sponge. My colleague and I locked eyes; she seemed horrified but I never stopped smiling, not once. I smiled like it was an affliction because somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that when you're a young black writer among the literary elite you can't be both grateful and angry, or proud and humiliated — though, of course, I was.


"People talk to me absolutely bathed in a bubble bath of self-congratulation," James Baldwin wrote in his 1964 Playboy essay "The Uses of The Blues." "I mean, I walk into a room and everyone there is terribly proud of himself because I managed to get to the room. It proves to him that he is getting better. It's funny, but it's terribly sad."


In his essay "Wallace Stevens After Lunch," poet Kevin Young notes that while having lunch with the other 1952 National Book Award judges, Stevens looked at the photograph of the poet Gwendolyn Brooks — the first black person to win the Pulitzer Prize, in 1950 — and said, "Who's the coon?" Noticing the other judges — all white men — shifting in their seats with discomfort, he added, "I know you don't like to hear people call a lady a coon but who is it?" Brooks had been on the NBA judging committee that had given the hallowed award to Stevens for poetry the previous year.


These moments in literary history are usually segregated to the footnotes section. Throughout my education, I never heard "Like Decorations In A Nigger Cemetery" discussed in a classroom, never talked about Wallace Stevens looking at a picture of Gwendolyn Brooks and asking, "Who's the lady coon?" — as if racism vanishes the moment we set foot into the ivory towers and glittering soirees of the literati.


I used to think that I was terrible at accepting compliments, but lately I've started to wonder if maybe I'm just terrible at accepting compliments from white people. I admire writers who can say the words "thank you" without sounding as desperately grateful as I often feel, or rather: I feel like I'm supposed to feel desperately grateful because there is, in fact, a very long line of other young black writers waiting outside the velvet rope waiting to be let in, one person at a time.


The same evening as that party in Miami, a poet who is also black and gay told me that he'd been so nervous about our books coming out within a month of each other. I couldn't pretend not to understand his anxiety. When literary gatekeepers and publishers continue to overlook the vast diversity of writers, the special few who make it into elite spaces are constantly compared to one another in both flattering and troubling ways. It's an anxiety that straight white men will never know. Could you imagine telling Jonathan Franzen that he can't release his novel because Michael Chabon has one coming out next month? When, in 2015, a new literary magazine manages to emerge with a masthead including almost 40 contributing editors with only two women and no people of color among them, the oxygen starts to get a bit thin. Combing through mastheads and tables of content for the names of writers who are not straight white men can make you feel crazy. And it is crazy that doing so is still necessary.


This is the culture our work (and our bodies) exist in as writers of color. This is a culture in which I can tell you about an anecdote that happened twice, months apart and with different people at different literary events. "They think I'm you," a younger black poet said to me once at a literary conference. Seeing the confusion on my face, he added, "A woman walked up to me and asked about your book and I realized she thought I was you. She said she loves your work. I said, 'Thank you.'" A version of this happened once at a writers conference in Boston and then again at a reading in the East Village.


You can make yourself crazy simply by paying attention. The publishing industry on which my work depends is 89% white. And so, when one of those white people puts their hands in my hair, it's difficult for me to speak up in the moment, or even months later, because I want to have a career, not just one book. I suspect there are limits to the literary elite's willingness to tolerate an insistently "angry black writer" in their presence. Writers who speak out too loudly, too often will never be told explicitly "you've bitten the hand that feeds you" but there are so many ways to starve.


I have no desire to burn bridges, but there are so many of us stumbling and bumping into each other along unlit paths. Silence in the face of literary microaggressions — those sparks in which writers, editors, and agents casually collide with America's pervasive racism — is cruel. It is cruel to ourselves because carrying racial trauma in silence is liable to take years off a life. It's cruel to other writers and readers because it sets them up to think they're being unnecessarily "angry" or ungrateful when they have similar encounters. And frankly, it's cruel to white people who risk continuing to make hurtful errors — inadvertent or otherwise — without the possibility for growth and transformation.


We're not crazy. We're just not in the dark anymore. And my goodness, we can see you so clearly now.


14 Illuminating Quotes From "The Girls' Guide To Hunting And Fishing"

Melissa Bank’s remarkable book is 15 years old, and her wit and wisdom remains as vital and useful as ever.



unsplash.com / Via BuzzFeed



unsplash.com / Via BuzzFeed



unsplash.com / Via BuzzFeed



unsplash.com / Via BuzzFeed




View Entire List ›


An Excerpt From Masha Gessen’s New Book On The Tsarnaev Brothers


Over at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth campus, just about every television set had been on for three straight days. Sixty miles’ distance from Boston made it all feel a bit like a video game. Few of the students were familiar enough with the multimillion-dollar town houses and luxury shops of Back Bay to have the sort of visceral reaction to the television footage through which the brain and the body tell each other, This is us, it is our home that is under attack. The kids at the UMass campus fielded calls and messages from family, affirmed that they were well and far from the scene of the attack, and commenced watching what felt like a reality TV show on the bombing. And then they saw Jahar.


Many of the UMass students saw Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, whom they knew as Jahar, several times a week, or even daily. They did not think that television was broadcasting the picture of a kid who looked like Jahar: there was no doubt in their minds that this was Jahar. And then again, there was doubt.


Very soon, many of Tamerlan’s and Jahar’s friends would be telling the FBI and the media that it was impossible that the brothers were the bombers—there had been no sign. Surely, the friends would say, if the two had been plotting something so huge and horrible, they would have seemed distracted. Or emotional. Or pensive. Or somehow, clearly, not themselves. But this assumption was a misconception. The psychiatrist and political scientist Jerrold Post, who has been studying terrorists for decades, writes, “Terrorists are not depressed, severely emotionally disturbed, or crazed fanatics.” Political scientist Louise Richardson, an undisputed star in the tiny academic field of terrorism studies, writes of terrorists: “Their primary shared characteristic is their normalcy, insofar as we understand the term. Psychological studies of terrorism are virtually unanimous on this point.”


Nor do terrorists tend to behave out of character just before committing an act that, to them, appears perfectly rational and fully justified. One of the September 11 hijackers called his wife in Germany on the morning of the attacks to tell her he loved her; she apparently heard nothing extraordinary in his voice. Having made the decision to commit an act of terrorism, the future bomber—even a suicide bomber—develops, it would appear, a sort of two-track mind. On one track, life goes on exactly as before; on the other, he is preparing for the event that will disrupt his life or even end it. It is precisely the ordinary nature of the man and the extraordinary effect of the act about to be committed that ensure the two tracks never cross.


When students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth saw their classmate’s picture on television, their minds became the perfect mirrors of Jahar’s: on one track was the full knowledge that they were looking at a picture of their friend; on the other was the certainty that Jahar could not possibly be responsible for the marathon bombing. “I knew it was him because I recognized him, but I didn’t believe it was him,” Tiffany Evora said in court fourteen months later. Testifying at the same trial, Alexa Guevara could not force the words out and had to be coaxed by a lawyer.


“When you saw the images, you did not believe it was him, did you?”


“No,” she said, though she had acknowledged that she had recognized Jahar.


“You didn’t believe he was capable of something like that, did you?”


“No,” she said, and started crying.


Between the track that was telling these college kids that the person in the pictures on television was undoubtedly their friend, and the track that kept insisting this was impossible, they chose the middle road. Rather than go to the police or the FBI, as the voices on television kept imploring them to do, they went to Jahar’s dorm. Why? None of them could answer that question clearly in the aftermath, but it seems that in the hope of calming their exploding minds, they wanted to ask Jahar himself if he had set off the bombs.


The door to room 7341, with what looked like a lily pad and a turkey glued to it, was locked. Befuddled students came in a steady stream, tried the door handle, exchanged concerned glances, somber nods, and the occasional unconvincing reassurance, and ambled off, back to the screens in their own dorm rooms.



Azamat Tazhayakov and Dias Kadyrbayev, from Kazakhstan, with Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in Times Square in New York.


VK.com


Had any of Jahar’s college friends gone to the police, they could have reported that they had seen Jahar in the days after the bombing—he had been on campus and he had been himself: just Jahar. Azamat Takhayakov could have said what he told the FBI later, that Jahar had not joined his friends for spring break in Florida in mid-March, and that when they returned he had apparently stopped smoking weed—though not necessarily selling it. That he did not see Jahar or text with him on Sunday, April 14—Jahar must have gone to Cambridge for the day or the weekend, which was hardly unusual.


Monday was the holiday, another no-school day, and Azamat had texted Jahar, asking if he was around. “I ‘have’ to make my passport, so ‘tomorrow,’” was the response, with the emphasis quotation marks around two words. Then a friend from Kazakhstan had texted Azamat, asking him if he was all right—this was how Azamat found out about the bombing. Azamat texted Jahar, asking in turn if he was all right—and learned that he was. At 4:19, Azamat got another text from Jahar: “Don’t go thinking it’s me, you cooked bastard.” Azamat was thinking no such thing; the only odd thing about this message was that “cooked” means “stoned,” and Azamat never smoked.


On Tuesday, Azamat and his apartment-mate Dias Kadyrbayev drove to Boston in their used BMW, a purchase bankrolled by Azamat's father with a vanity license plate that read “terrorista#1" (it is not clear who picked out the plate, or whether it was there from the start). The plan was to do some shopping, which was really an excuse to check out the state of Back Bay. They headed for Boylston Street, only to discover that all the stores there were closed. Dias dropped Azamat off in Cambridge, near Jahar’s house. Jahar came down and drove Azamat back to New Bedford in his green Honda Civic while Dias used the BMW to go see Bayan at Babson. Back at Azamat and Dias’s apartment on Carriage Drive, Jahar and Azamat played FIFA on Xbox for hours—except for a short break Jahar took to go into the bathroom and use his phone to Skype with Tamerlan. This was all normal enough. Along with Dias's girlfriend, Bayan Kumiskali, the boys shared a T-Mobile family plan. One of the them—most likely Dias, who had lost his T-Mobile phone—had failed to pay his share of the monthly bill, and T-Mobile had suspended their account. Now none of them could use regular phone service: they used iMessage, an Apple program, to text, and Skype to talk on the phone, but they could do those things only when they had an Internet connection. There was nothing strange about Jahar’s wanting some privacy for his call with his brother—and Azamat knew whom he was talking to, so Jahar was not exactly being secretive.


That day Jahar also tweeted a bit, as usual. Among other things, he, like millions of other Americans, commented on a picture of a woman who had been injured in the bombings. The photograph had been circulating with a caption that claimed the woman’s boyfriend had been planning to propose to her the day she was injured—and that she had died. “Fake story,” wrote Jahar. It was.


On Wednesday, two days after the bombing, Azamat and Jahar went to the gym together in the evening. Afterward, they played FIFA until midnight. Sometime that evening Jahar also dropped by a soccer-team get-together at an Italian restaurant. On Thursday Azamat ran into Robel Philippos, who was also part of their group, on campus. They had not seen each other in over a month, while Robel was on suspension; now he was on campus for a hearing on his violation. It was around one in the afternoon and they were near the cafeteria, so they got lunch. Robel asked if he could spend the weekend at the apartment on Carriage Drive. Dias had the BMW that day, so after lunch Azamat texted Jahar, asking him for a ride home. Robel and Azamat walked over to Pine Dale Hall. They spent about half an hour in Robel’s friend Lino Rosas’s room. Lino always said he liked Robel the moment he saw him, at the beginning of freshman year, because he had “finally found someone skinnier than me.” Both boys were dark-skinned, well over six feet tall, and so thin they looked breakable and made Azamat seem positively roly-poly. Azamat hung around with them for about half an hour in Lino’s room, then tagged along as they went down to the parking lot, and sat in the back of Lino’s car as they got stoned with the windows rolled up.


It was nearly four in the afternoon when Jahar became available to give Azamat a ride to Carriage Drive. He, Azamat, and Robel spent less than ten minutes in the car on the way to the apartment, and then Robel returned to campus with Jahar. That would make Robel the last person to have seen Jahar before his picture was broadcast to the world—the boys parted ways in Pine Dale Hall less than an hour before the FBI press conference. Before leaving his dorm room, Jahar retweeted a post by a Zimbabwean mufti: “Attitude can take away your beauty no matter how good looking you are or it could enhance your beauty, making you adorable.”


Andrew Dwinells, had he gone to the police, would not have been able to tell them much. His roommate Jahar had seemed the same as he’d ever been. He slept when Andrew left for class, and was out when Andrew returned. And even if all the students who had seen Jahar in the days following the bombing had gone to the authorities with their stories, the FBI would have learned only Jahar’s name. Jahar’s observed behavior contained no clues to what he and Tamerlan were planning to do and where they were planning to hide once their faces were known—because the brothers had no plan. While Boston was reeling from the marathon bombing, nothing extraordinary had happened to the bombers themselves.



Dias Kadyrbayev with Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.




After Jahar dropped him off at Carriage Drive, Azamat took a nap. About an hour and a half later, Dias and Bayan walked in. Now Azamat took the car: he went to the gym, and Dias stayed at the apartment, where, prompted by a text message, he eventually turned on the television and saw the picture of his best friend wearing a white baseball cap with the visor turned back. The first person Dias texted was Jahar:


D: yo bro


J: wasup


D: pick me up please


J: sorry man i’m in boston


where r yu?


D: in my crib-


i am tryan to go to umass


please


yo bro


Dias’s mind had not just split into two tracks: it had all but imploded. He wanted to go to campus to find out if Jahar, his best friend, was the Boston Marathon bomber—and he wanted Jahar, his buddy with the car, who was texting him right back, as usual, to drive him there. It took him a minute to grasp that Jahar was out of reach. At 8:43 in the evening he texted Jahar again.


D: u saw the news?


J: yea bro i did


D: for real


J: i saw the news . . .


better not text me my friend


lol


D: u saw urself there?


ahaha


hahaha


J: ifyu want yu can go to my room and take what’s there:) but ight bro salam alekum


D: what’s wrong with yu?


haha;)


J: can’t right now man


Dias began frantically texting Azamat, who had finished his workout and gone shopping at Target. In the space of ten minutes Dias sent ten messages, all of them imploring Azamat to pick him up at once. “Azkro,” they began. “What yu doing,” “Will yu pick me up?” “Please,” “Azik!” and so on. Azamat dropped his shopping and rushed home. Dias was waiting for him at the sliding door—this would have shaved half a minute off the time required to exit the apartment and enter the car. Dias told Azamat to drive to campus, then explained that he had seen a photo on the news and it looked like Jahar.


By the time they got to Pine Dale Hall, Jahar had been gone more than four hours and the haphazard pilgrimage to the locked door to his dorm room had lasted more than three. Robel, whom Dias had also texted, was there, as was Lino, who had been smoking weed with Robel in his dorm room. Like all the students who had come here in the last few hours, they knocked, jerked the handle, confirmed that the door was locked, and commenced a few minutes of standing around looking somber. All agreed that the picture on TV looked like Jahar. All nodded their heads. Then there was nothing left to do. The four young men went to Lino’s room and started a game of Xbox. After about five minutes, Dias said he was going back to Jahar’s room, and left. For every four cramped residential double rooms in Pine Dale Hall, there is one common study area, also cramped; this makes the four rooms a “suite.” Dias found Andrew working on an essay in the common room. When he said he needed Andrew to let him into the dorm room, Andrew thought nothing of it: he had accommodated such requests before, whenever Dias, the only genuinely frequent visitor to Jahar’s side of the room, had forgotten his iPhone charger there. It was in the room that Dias showed Andrew the text message from Jahar: “Ifyu want yu can go to my room and take what’s there:) but ight bro salam alekum.” To Andrew, who had not yet seen the news, the message read as somewhat cryptic but also unsurprising: he could imagine Jahar, who had never seemed to be quite there in the first place, picking up one day and vanishing.


Dias began a frantic search of Jahar’s side of the room—the wardrobe, the dresser drawers under the bed, the desk. Azamat and Robel came, summoned by a text Dias had sent to Robel: “Come to Jahar’s.” They sat impassively on the bed, staring at images moving across the television screen—it was Project X, an unfunny 2012 comedy about three high school students trying to throw the party of a lifetime—as Dias continued his search. What was he looking for? Pot? But he knew where Jahar kept his stash, so, barring the possibility that he was too agitated to remember even that simple fact, he had no reason to be conducting a search. More likely, he was still seeking what everyone who had knocked on Jahar’s door that day had sought: an answer. He thought he might have found it when he came upon a black JanSport backpack with some emptied-out fireworks in it: a larger hollow cylinder and a half-dozen long ones, barely thicker than a cigarette, which had been removed from the large one and then relieved of the gunpowder. He also found a half-empty jar of Vaseline. From something he had either watched on a screen or heard in conversation, Dias knew that gunpowder and Vaseline could be components of explosive devices. He placed the open backpack in front of Azamat and mouthed the words “I think he used these to make the bombs.” Azamat nodded.


But finding the backpack could not have helped reconcile the conflicting tracks of Dias’s mind. The fireworks looked so ordinary. The larger cylinder was a meek blue; the thin inner cylinders were just paper. They looked like the remnants of a long-ago New Year’s, or like that March night on the bank of the Charles River when Jahar had set off the fireworks while the rest of the crew watched. And the jar of Vaseline was just a jar of Vaseline. Dias may have known that these objects could be the remnants of making a bomb, but all of them were of this reality, not of the fantastical, otherworldly, disastrous realm of the carnage on television.


When Dias, Azamat, and Robel left Jahar’s room after about half an hour, they took with them: the black backpack with the fireworks and the Vaseline, a black Sony VAIO computer, a thumb drive, a brown clay ashtray, a small bag of marijuana, a pair of red Beats headphones that Azamat did not exactly remember loaning to Jahar a few months before, and a red baseball cap that Dias decided he liked.


Andrew returned to the common room and told the friend with whom he had been studying there that Dias and company had been acting “suspiciously.” He texted Jahar: “Hey your friends said you left.” He got no response.



Masha Gessen's The Brothers: The Road to an American Tragedy is out April 7.


"Game Of Thrones" Reimagined As Children's Books

The seven kingdoms will teach your kids far more than the “Berenstain Bears” ever could.


Teach your kids the power of secrets and lies with this fun read.


Teach your kids the power of secrets and lies with this fun read.


Monique Steele / Buzzfeed


Or how about a piece of fiction that'll inform kids about the value in keeping their promises?


Or how about a piece of fiction that'll inform kids about the value in keeping their promises?


Monique Steele / Buzzfeed


This piece of work will no doubt enlighten any child about the value of ancient religions and the Old Gods.


This piece of work will no doubt enlighten any child about the value of ancient religions and the Old Gods.


Monique Steele / Buzzfeed


They'll probably learn valid lessons about fighting their own battles with this charming book.


They'll probably learn valid lessons about fighting their own battles with this charming book.


Monique Steele / Buzzfeed




View Entire List ›


24 Of The Most Beautiful Quotes By Hans Christian Andersen

It’s International Children’s Book Day in honor of Hans Christian Andersen’s birthday.



Sarah Galo / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock


2. "The angel plucks a large handful of flowers, and they carry it with them up to God, where the flowers bloom more brightly than they ever did on earth."

— "The Angel"


3. "The matches glowed with a light that was brighter than the noon-day, and her grandmother had never appeared so large or so beautiful. She took the little girl in her arms, and they both flew upwards in brightness and joy far above the earth, where there was neither cold nor hunger nor pain, for they were with God."

— "The Little Match Girl"


4. "To be born in a duck's nest, in a farmyard, is of no consequence to a bird, if it is hatched from a swan's egg."

— "The Ugly Duckling"


5. "Death continued to stare at the emperor with his cold, hollow eyes, and the room was fearfully still. Suddenly there came through the open window the sound of sweet music. Outside, on the bough of a tree, sat the living nightingale. She had heard of the emperor's illness, and was therefore come to sing to him of hope and trust. And as she sung, the shadows grew paler and paler; the blood in the emperor's veins flowed more rapidly, and gave life to his weak limbs; and even Death himself listened, and said, 'Go on, little nightingale, go on.'"

— "The Nightingale"



Sarah Galo / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock


7. "As before, every one saw Karen's red shoes, and all the carved figures too bent their gaze upon them. When Karen knelt at the chancel she thought only of the shoes; they floated before her eyes, and she forgot to say her prayer or sing her psalm."

— "The Red Shoes"


8. "The prince took her for his wife, for he knew that in her he had found a true princess. And the pea was preserved in the cabinet of curiosities, where it is still to be seen unless some one has stolen it. And this, mind you, is a real story."

— "The Real Princess"


9. "Rejoice in thy youth," said the sunbeam; "rejoice in thy fresh growth and in the young life that is in thee."

— "The Fir Tree"


10. "Yes, it is wonderful to be alive! Indeed, the Bottle inwardly sang of all this, as do young poets, who frequently also know nothing about the things of which they sing."

— "The Bottle Neck"




View Entire List ›


Which "Lord Of The Rings" Character Matches Your Zodiac Sign?

There’s only one star sign to rule them all.


Thursday, April 2, 2015

Which Book Series Do You Think Is The Most Underrated?

Let’s hear it for the underdogs.


There are the book series we all know and love. You know the ones we're talking about.


There are the book series we all know and love. You know the ones we're talking about.


Warner Bros. / Via giphy.com


These are the series that dominate discussions IRL and on the Internet.


These are the series that dominate discussions IRL and on the Internet.


Team Edward or Team Jacob, Team Gale or Team Peeta, you know the drill.


Lionsgate / Via media.giphy.com



Lionsgate / Wikia




View Entire List ›


My Best Friend The Schizophrenic

“Casper lit me up, from kindergarten through the end of high school, and I miss him.”



Andrea Hickey / BuzzFeed


I'm going to call him Casper, because that's what I named him in two of my early stories, just as I named another boyhood friend Lester in the stories he inspired. But both were far more to me than simply friends — the term doesn't begin to encompass what we had, which was a meeting of souls, of minds, of a galvanizing streak of disaffection with society and the received way of things, of mutuality and a reversion to nature that is the most substantial gift I've ever been given. We were children, then we were teenagers. I'd say we did the usual things, except that Casper, who never made it out of his teenage years intact, wasn't usual by any measure. I didn't know it at the time — I'd never even heard the term — but Casper was schizophrenic, the disorder settling its hooks into him as he grew into the hammered musculature of his adolescent self.


What I did know was that he was fascinating, exciting, a geyser of notions that had never occurred to me but that seemed absolutely right once he gave voice to them. And I'm not just talking about the late-night depredations of our teenage years, the flow of anger that was unstoppable and manifested itself in the usual crimes and misdemeanors, but a whole lot more. As I said, Casper wasn't usual. Who are we? Where are we? Why are we? These are the questions that could have been our mantra, should have been, but we never articulated them. We just acted. We just did.


All right. What is schizophrenia and how do you treat it? Essentially, it's a genetic dysfunction of the neural wiring that most often manifests itself in adolescence, and it gives rise to delusions, hallucinations, breaks with reality, behavior that is far from usual. Treat it with Haldol and Thorazine and hope for the best. At least that was the thinking back then. (Back when? A long time ago). We didn't know any of this. All we knew was that Casper, with his genius IQ, his measured laugh, his wicked weltanschauung, was somebody really, really interesting to hang out with. A neighborhood kid like anybody else, only not like anybody else. One of us, only not one of us.



Andrea Hickey / BuzzFeed


Here is what I remember:


• Casper's Handwriting. Second or third grade and all of us sitting there trying to replicate the delicate loops and swirls the teacher put on the board. One of the girls — I won't name her — dumb as a board herself and yet sitting right there beside me and writing so flawlessly she might have been a Shodō master, while I struggled with a crabbed, angular, barely legible mess that haunts me to this day (thank god for the keyboard). Of course, I was normal. Or close enough. But Casper. Casper practically blackened the page, paying no attention whatever to the helpful lines printed there to contain our efforts, each of his letters opening out with a swirl of curlicues, circles within circles, faces, hands, everybody drowning all at once. This was art, not handwriting. But it was a symptom too — and we recognized it as an aberration, as a sign that Casper wasn't going to make sense of cursive writing because that would be too easy. He saw through the paper, through the desk and the floor and the concrete of the basement and right on down into the molten core of the Earth. And he went to the shrink two days a week, the first of us to do so, though others were to go in their turn.


• Casper's Clothes. This was later, in high school. Casper began to develop his own style and that style wasn't predicated on fashion but function. He loved the deep woods (and I loved them with him through our countless trips into the darkest places, places where the only smell was of mud, decay, death) and he wanted his clothing to reflect that. Or no, that sounds too rational and nothing rational applies here. I'm projecting, that's all. The point is, he began to make his own clothes from stiff glossily cured slabs of leather, which he sewed crudely together into a kind of jerkin and the very shortest of handmade shorts. When the principal wandered befuddled from his office and out into the serried hallways, on the lookout for girls who wore their skirts too short or boys whose pants were too tight and happened to spot Casper (shuffling, head-down, working on his invisibility), he reacted in the only way he could: by sending him directly home. But Casper, resplendent in his jerkin, would be back the next morning, furtive, paranoid (with good cause), trying all over again to lose himself in the crowd.


• Casper's Shoes. Casper also fashioned his own shoes. Again, from those massive unbendable sheets of leather, he produced shoes that were eight sizes too big for him, clown shoes, crudely stitched, uppers to lowers. He called them moccasins. I was with him on at least one occasion when he was collecting material for the soles. We found our way to the abandoned factory deeply overgrown in the woods up off Route 9D just above Cold Spring, New York, and the thick rubber tread of the former conveyor belt that just ran on forever and was there for anybody to take and no questions asked. Nobody, in fact, to pose the questions. Nobody in sight even, not then or ever. Casper lifted his feet, traced a crude impression, and used his knife to cut away what he needed. How he got the cutouts to adhere to the bottom of his moccasins, I never knew. Maybe they didn't. Maybe that was why he shuffled rather than actually walked. (Of course this was complicated by the 10-pound ankle weights he wore to develop strength. Ten pounds. Mine were 2 pounds each and by my hundredth step while hiking a trail or scaling Breakneck Ridge, they might as well have been little tiny highly concentrated people, fat little people, clinging to my legs.)




View Entire List ›


How “The Girls’ Guide To Hunting And Fishing” Shaped My Twenties


Daniel Dalton/BuzzFeed/Penguin


I cannot say for sure when I first read Melissa Bank's The Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing. I must have been in the very earliest of my twenties, because I know it was already dear to me by the time I graduated from university. It is, for me, a near-perfect book, one that I have pressed into the hands of several female friends and recommended on lists both solicited and not.


From its pages spill lightly scented wit and wisdom: How to be, how to see, how to cope. It is easily the most influential book of my third decade, and every time I reread it – or sections of it, at least – I am struck again by its neatness and completeness.


The idea of women writing for other women works of fiction that turn out to be manuals for life is nothing new. Although “women’s writing” is often seen as a literary ghetto (fiction is fiction, dammit), there is value in naming something for its most base characteristic. Buchi Emecheta did it, as did Virginia Woolf – and many more still will. The Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing is a book by a woman, that centres on the interior life of a woman, and that, on my anecdotal evidence, has found an audience in the hearts of many women. That is not a coincidence.


Before and after Jane, the book's protagonist, there have been other women. I read Laura Dave’s London is the Best City in America, identifying closely, in the weird middle ground between finishing university and half-heartedly going into the world of work, with her protagonist, Emmy. And I read Lauren Weisberger’s The Devil Wears Prada and Emily Giffin’s Something… books as well. The heroes of these books (interestingly they’re all white, which tells its own tale about book publishing and the assumed “universality” of the white experience) were important to me, and contributed to the eventual confidence with which I forged ahead (well, meandered) in my life. But they were not Jane.


In Jane was the idea of myself as I was, but also the self I wanted to be. I wanted to be suave enough to go out with – nay, be actively pursued by – an older gentleman, tangibly literary and distinguished and interesting enough to have picked up a past: booze problem and ex-wives included. I wanted to go on a glamorous holiday with my boyfriend and have our fidelity tested by our hostess. I longed to have a chic, childless aunt who spoke in borderline mysterious vignettes that could’ve been culled from Flannery O’Connor or Dorothy Parker. And while I didn’t want a terrible illness to befall me, was I averse to wishing for a Big Life Event™ that would transform and transport me? Of course I wasn’t. Girls’ Guide gave me that with no effort whatsoever on my part.


But the book is, as I said earlier, nothing if not complete. So in a life that is often kissed with good fortune and ease – the life many newly minted young women in the city enjoy – Bank sprinkles grit, even occasionally upgrading the pebble in the shoe to a full-on boulder. There are the small disappointments, like stumbling upon the fallibility of a sibling (at one point Jane muses: “It scared me to think that my brother had failed at loving someone”) and big ones, such as near-debilitating family bereavement. There is everyday grief, such as the sinking realisation that a much-wanted thing cannot happen for whatever reason, but also the type to cause a woman to reach for her "big girl pants".



Penguin


And Jane emerges from it, sometimes wiser, sometimes not, but never doing anything that seems out of place or out of character or crucially, out of time. These are mistakes many women make and the decisions they take, perfectly in tune with their life situation: age, confidence level, income, access to familial and romantic love, and so on. Jane and I were different in a number of small and big ways, not least in our respective natural habitats: I am a city girl through and through, while she is thrillingly (for me) suburban. But I saw enough of myself in her to keep her close: a hesitancy that often tipped into insecurity, sometimes matched with an incongruous utter self-belief; an awareness that bad things (the type that don’t kill you even when they feel like they might) happen; a need to please and a fear of rocking the boat; a close and much-valued relationship with our fathers; the temerity to presume a life working in the arts. Jane and I seemed to know only what we did not want, rather than what we did.


The difference between reading Girls’ Guide now, in my early thirties, and back in my early twenties is as wide as the sea. For one thing, I have finally lived through some of the experiences rather than consuming them vicariously. What was always most compelling thing about the book was is its disjointedness: It is a collection of stories with many of the same players over a period of years. It will never be considered such, but it is a Great American Novel, all 274 pages of it.


It opens with a 14-year-old Jane at the family holiday home in New Jersey, meeting her older brother’s new (older) girlfriend for the first time – and witnessing a love affair up close for the first time. From there, we see her post-college and in the world of work. We see her at home, in love, and firmly out of it. In one story, “The Best Possible Light”, she is merely alluded to, never seen, barely mentioned. The finished product is a series of carefully selected events, interlocking to form a big picture in which Jane is often – but not always – the star of her own life. Her landscape is ever-changing, and she takes us along on very specific journeys into them. There are men, platonic, romantic, familial, and some a weird mix: Henry, Archie, her dad, Jamie, Yves and so on. But there are many more women: Apollinaire, Bella, Sophie, Mimi, her female relatives (mum, aunt, grandmother), the meta Bonnie and Faith. Through them Bank sets out a manual for life. By the time we exit Jane’s life, somewhere in her thirties, the rulebook is not quite finished, but with such a good grounding, it suggests, how could you possibly fail at life now?



Penguin/Daniel Dalton/BuzzFeed


It took Bank more than a decade to write the book, and she did so while working at a job she didn't exactly love. "I did about a million rewrites," she told The Guardian . That job was as a copywriter, and Bank apparently declined promotions in order to write at her own pace. "The more I knew Jane the more I'd go back and throw out a story or do a new story about when she was younger. I think it was because I was getting older and understood things differently." It shows. Those rewrites served two purposes for me: They made the book a lean, vital thing (it was a bestseller in the US and here in the UK). They also helped me be a better reader, and, hopefully, a better writer. Bank's book was a writing manual, helping me identify the stories that are worth telling and how to tell them. (It is perhaps no coincidence that she is now faculty staff at Stony Brook Southampton University in New York, having written a 2005 follow up, The Wonder Spot.) There is a moment in the titular story where Jane sits with her best friend, Sophie, who is recently married, and tells her: "We have so much to say to each other that only quiet will do." In "You Could Be Anyone", Bank swoops in on a moment between an unnamed couple in their early days, writing: "You can feel that he wants to own you – not like an object, but like a good dream he wants to keep having. He lets you know that you already own him." In "My Old Man", she delivers us the instant a woman crosses a line: "I gave up my apartment and moved in." Her style is clean and (deceptively) simple, and she zeroes in on the smallest moments – and the emotions therein – in electrifying ways. It taught me how I wanted to write. Upon my first meeting with a would-be literary agent, it was my first reference. "I would love to write a sort of British Girls' Guide," I told him earnestly. "Lots of people would," he replied wisely. "It's very hard to do."